Headache

Quote of the Day: Woman: “My head hurts ... I've got a little bit of congestion and it feels like my spine has been severed.” Man: “A couple aspirin should take care of it?”

Nice Bag

Quote of the Day: “Honey, dinner was great.” Woman: “Yeah … it was from a bag.”

Santa's Workshop

Quote of the Day: "This place looks like Santa's Workshop, except it smells like mushrooms and everyone looks like they want to hurt me."

The Nurse

Quote of the Day: A conversation with a nurse. Me: "What exactly will this test tell us?" Nurse: "Well we'll compare these ones results with them ones and it will tell us a lot of stuff."

Momma

Quote of the Day: “Momma, if I take my medication can I come back home?”

Chicken Teeth

Quote of the Day: My three year old nephew says to his Dad. “Dad, can we go on our nature walk? I won't even take the chicken out of my teeth.” I'm not sure exactly what he meant by that but it I like it.

Feel the Music

Quote of the Day: “You know one of the bad things about getting older? If you see a woman bouncing along at a party, you don't really know if she's bopping to the music or has Parkinson's.”

I Ain't Drunk

Quote of the Day: “No officer I'm not slurring my words … I'm just speaking in cursive.”

Hey It's Cooler

Quote of the Day: It's been a hot and humid summer. A woman opens a window to talk to someone outside. Woman: “Hey it cooled off … it's pretty nice outside. Oh wait, I'm standing over the A/C vent.”

Cute Girl

Quote of the Day: Porter: “Do you remember that cute, stupid girl talking about how she wanted to save animals?” Bill: “No I was too busy looking at her ass.”

Hair

Quote of the Day: Sometimes a mother has to give her daughter sound advice. “Venessa, don't eat your hair.”

The Way It Is

Quote of the Day: “Why do I have to do another shot?” Bill: “It's just the way it is … you can call the police later, but right now you just have to do it.”

Mustard

Quote of the Day: Big John: “If you can't cut the mustard … you can at least lick the lid.”

The Big One

Quote of the Day: While on a fishing trip. Big John: “Did you hear what I caught today?” Travis: “No you haven't bragged about it yet.”

Inglourious

Quote of the Day: Me: “You didn't even watch five minutes of the movie … what's the matter didn't you like Inglourious Basterds?” Her: “No … I thought it was going to be a comedy.”

Trash Can

Quote of the Day: From the Ron and Fez Show. Ron: “At your funeral there will be only two pallbearers.” Fez: “Two?” Ron: “Yes ... there's only two handles on a trash can.”

Conversation with Nupper

Quote of the Day: A conversation with my fishing buddy Nupper. Me: “Don't make me call your wife again.” Nupper: “Hopefully the next time you call my wife it’ll be to tell her the last time you saw me I was headed north, across the border, in a boat, with three young stunning topless Indian nymphos ... Jack in hand. Me: “or that you fell in the fire.”

Big Toilet

Quote of the Day: A little boy walked out into the water, bent down and yelled to his friends. "Guys look, I'm in a toilet."

What do you drink?

Quote of the Day: Grandpa Dave in the Doctors office. Nurse: “Sir when you drink do you drink beer, liquor or wine?” GD: “Yeah, I drink them all, but not all at once.”

Toilet Paper

Quote of the Day: Grandpa Dave: "I don't much like going to the grocery store but I'm on my last roll of toilet paper. I better go before I have to use the shower curtain."

Aneurysm

Quote of the Day: Bill: “Why don't you laugh at my jokes?” Porter: “I do laugh at your jokes.” Bill: “No you just chuckle … I want you to laugh so hard you have an aneurysm.”

Rain Gear

Quote of the Day: “On some level isn't it stupid to be washing your rain gear?”

The Sniffer

Quote of the Day: I realized you don't hear this quote everyday, but these words were actually spoken in our house this morning. “Bexar get out of her ass.”

The Smoker

Quote of the Day: A conversation with Grandpa Dave. Me: “Grandpa Dave when you gonna stop smoking?” Grandpa Dave: “About the time that you throw some dirt on my face … that's about as close as I can figure.”

Not so sad

Quote of the Day: Grandpa Dave after reading the obituary section of the paper. "Oh buddy, this is really sad, a guy I've known ever since I was little just passed away ... come to think of it, no one really liked him so I guess it's not that sad."

Country Boy

Quote of the Day: Comes from friend Ben in Texas. "You know your a country boy when you have to mow your driveway.”

You have a purdy sink

Quote of the Day: While on my weekend fishing trip my buddy was impressed with the better than average drain in the bathroom sink. “I was washing my glasses but now I'm thinking about having sex with the sink.”

Slim Jim

Quote of the Day: Comes from The Hot Dog Lady. “My sisters stomach was upset so I gave her some Cherry Pie and a Slim Jim. Hopefully she can keep that down.”

Hotel Respect

Quote of the Day: “This motel seems like a great place to lose your self respect.”

Angry T-Shirt

Quote of the Day: This quote came from a conversation when the guys were comparing plumbing stories. “Why would someone be so angry at a t-shirt that they would flush it?”

Rock Cleaning

Quote of the Day: While fishing an 11 year old says to a 40 year old while he's snagged on a rock. “Hey Mr ... you land that rock and I'll clean it for you.”

Hammock

Quote of the Day: This was a Facebook update from one of Porter's friends. Just the best ever. "Just gave Rob a pain pill and about to change his nostril hammock. Hopefully the oozing will be better tomorrow."

Buffet

Quote of the Day: “I've come to realize that buffet restaurants are the watering hole of the stupid.”

Pill Box

Quote of the Day: “You know you're getting old when you keep track of the days of the week by what compartment you open on your pill box.”

Class

Quote of the Day: “The great thing about going to class with all women is that they constantly bitch and complain so we get out of class early most of the time.”

Good Dog

Quote of the Day: “I'm a pretty good dog, but if you don't pet me every once in a while, it's tough to keep me under the porch.”

Apology

Quote of the Day: In my dream last night Grandpa Dave farted in front of a woman and she was embarrassed. His apology: “I'm sorry mam, I thought you were from Kentucky.”

Miss Suzy

Quote of the Day: Grandpa Dave talks about his girlfriend. “Well I've been hanging out with Miss Suzy … she's great. Although I found out the other day she's married, that scammin' bitch.”

Redheads

Quote of the Day: Grandpa Dave talks about women. Grandpa Dave: “I love those Redheads ... they're mean but I love 'em.”

Worst Goodbye

Quote of the Day: From a movie I watched last night ... Zombieland. Tallahassee: "I'm not great at farewells, so uh... that'll do, pig." Columbus: "That's the worst goodbye I've ever heard."

They're Gonna Get Me

Quote of the Day: Grandpa Dave, who's always looking for a way to beat the system, ordered a government subsidized cell phone. My nephew gets a phone call yesterday. Grandpa Dave: “I need you to help me turn off this damn phone, the government is listening to what I'm saying and they're gonna get me." Andrew: “No Grandpa, they're not listening to you." Grandpa Dave:" There's a green light flashing, that means they hacked the phone … they caught me.”

Pie

Quote of the Day: “It's fun to win but it's even more fun to watch a young man eat humble pie.”

Women and Drink

Quote of the Day: "I spent 90% of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted."

Corned Beef

Quote of the Day: Overheard on St. Patrick's Day. Woman: “Your burps smell like corned beef, onions and beer … it's disgusting.” Man: “Really? It sounds delicious to me.”

St. Patricks Day

Quote of the Day: An Irish Toast. “Here's to a long life and a merry one. A quick death and an easy one. A pretty girl and an honest one. A cold pint ... and another one!”

Cold in here

Quote of the Day: Overheard by a young woman while walking into a hockey game. “Is it cold in here because of the ice? It wasn't this cold when the circus was here.”

Mistake

Quote of the Day: This line was uttered as the person in question was hastily making their way to the bathroom. “Oh no, I think I may have made a mistake … either that or I'm sweating.”

Directions

Quote of the Day: Dad giving directions to the hospital on the phone. “Just punch in hospital into one of those UPS machines and that GDS will take you right here.”

Prom

Quote of the Day: “No matter how much you decorate the gym for prom, it'll still smell like corsage and ass.”

Mom!!!

Quote of the Day: A little boy yells to his mother in a panic. “Mom … I have to manure.”