Miss Suzy

Quote of the Day: Grandpa Dave talks about his girlfriend. “Well I've been hanging out with Miss Suzy … she's great. Although I found out the other day she's married, that scammin' bitch.”

Redheads

Quote of the Day: Grandpa Dave talks about women. Grandpa Dave: “I love those Redheads ... they're mean but I love 'em.”

Worst Goodbye

Quote of the Day: From a movie I watched last night ... Zombieland. Tallahassee: "I'm not great at farewells, so uh... that'll do, pig." Columbus: "That's the worst goodbye I've ever heard."

They're Gonna Get Me

Quote of the Day: Grandpa Dave, who's always looking for a way to beat the system, ordered a government subsidized cell phone. My nephew gets a phone call yesterday. Grandpa Dave: “I need you to help me turn off this damn phone, the government is listening to what I'm saying and they're gonna get me." Andrew: “No Grandpa, they're not listening to you." Grandpa Dave:" There's a green light flashing, that means they hacked the phone … they caught me.”

Pie

Quote of the Day: “It's fun to win but it's even more fun to watch a young man eat humble pie.”

Women and Drink

Quote of the Day: "I spent 90% of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted."

Corned Beef

Quote of the Day: Overheard on St. Patrick's Day. Woman: “Your burps smell like corned beef, onions and beer … it's disgusting.” Man: “Really? It sounds delicious to me.”

St. Patricks Day

Quote of the Day: An Irish Toast. “Here's to a long life and a merry one. A quick death and an easy one. A pretty girl and an honest one. A cold pint ... and another one!”

Cold in here

Quote of the Day: Overheard by a young woman while walking into a hockey game. “Is it cold in here because of the ice? It wasn't this cold when the circus was here.”

Mistake

Quote of the Day: This line was uttered as the person in question was hastily making their way to the bathroom. “Oh no, I think I may have made a mistake … either that or I'm sweating.”

Directions

Quote of the Day: Dad giving directions to the hospital on the phone. “Just punch in hospital into one of those UPS machines and that GDS will take you right here.”

Prom

Quote of the Day: “No matter how much you decorate the gym for prom, it'll still smell like corsage and ass.”

Mom!!!

Quote of the Day: A little boy yells to his mother in a panic. “Mom … I have to manure.”

Locked House

Quote of the Day: Names have been changed to protect the innocent. “Amber can you get Uncle Bill's keys, stop by his house and and let out his dog?” Amber: “Sure, is his house unlocked?”

Lobster Special

Quote of the Day: While talking about going out to dinner. Porter: "What is it that you wanted from Outback?" Bill: "They had some sort of lobster special, but that was a long time ago, they probably don't have it anymore." Porter: "I'm sure they still have lobster." Bill: "Yeah, but it won't taste as good as it would have if it was on special."